Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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