Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My balls are so social today.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
