My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
