new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
