I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
