I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Me. At least after what I've been through.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
