i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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