At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He did a backflip because drugs
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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