you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
