I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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