if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
