There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
