id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
