tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
