I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
