if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Randomize
