Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
