Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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