I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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