new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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