I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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