Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
