Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
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