He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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