if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
