I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
