just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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