I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
