I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
