You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
