I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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