I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
