You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
