Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
