is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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