I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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