so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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