A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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