I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
