guys are not supposed to queef...right?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
