fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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