you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
