we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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