even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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