On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
