What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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