Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
