I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
i out mim tonsoeep
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
