I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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