Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
