Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
