you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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