Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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